Here’s
a little Christmas present from me to all the members.
I wrote this mini-panto in one scene, for your entertainment over the holiday period.
I wrote this mini-panto in one scene, for your entertainment over the holiday period.
When
you read it, I think it’s most fun, if you imagine your 2 favourite male Centre
staff in the lead roles (perhaps Robert and Ant or,Andrew and Aaron?).
I
would like to wish all the members a very Merry Christmas and new year. See you
in 2018!
THE
12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
by Henrietta Whitsun-Jones
(Estimated
running time 35 - 45 minutes)
--------------
Characters: Dame Cillit (The elder, bossy, a bit of a prude
Dame Bang, her younger sister, confident that she is more attractive
though that's not necessarily true, cheeky, likes sex)
-----------------
Dame
C: Ladles and jelly spoons. Welcome!
Dame
B: girls and boils. Nice to see you ... To see you (motions to audience as they
shout "Nice!")
Dame
C: Welcome to the Brunel Christmas party. My name is Dame Cillit.
Dame
B: and I'm Dame Bang, Her sister
I'm
the pretty one, by the way
Dame
C: Oh, you are are you? Well, we'll see about that!
Anyway,
enough of your bitching, dear I
was
busy talking to these lovely people. I should explain that we've escaped
from Jack and the Beanstalk round the corner, during the interval, so we can
come and have some festive fun with you lot.
Dame
B: we thought it would be nice to have a sing song together.
Are
you all feeling in good voice?
(Cups
hand to ear)
(Louder)
I said, are you all feeling in good voice?
(Cups
hand to ear)
Dame
C: But before we get singing we need to get in the mood and get festive.
My sister and I are going to come round and give out some Christmas
crackers.
(They
go amongst the audience and give each person 2 Christmas crackers)
Dame
B: Has everyone got a cracker? If not, then hold your hand up
(They
give out any missing crackers).
Now
what I would like you to do is this: after I count to 3, turn to your
neighbour, shake them by the hand and wish them a very Merry Christmas.
Then you can pull the cracker, and make sure to put on the party hat. And
make sure you've pulled a cracker with both your neighbours.
Ready?
Here goes then. One, two, three!
(Pause
while the audience pulls crackers).
Dame
C: Well done everybody! I must say, you all look absolutely super. Are
you ready to start singing now?
(Cups
hand to ear).
(Louder)
I
said, are you all ready to start singing now?
(Cups
hand to ear).
Good.
Now where's that song sheet I brought? Where did I put it? It looks like
a big rolled up piece of paper. Have you seen it?
(Exaggeratedly
mimes hunting high and low for the song sheet. Looks everywhere except
behind her).
Where?
Here? Where?
Oh,
here it is! Now why didn't you just say so?
Why
don't you use this festive looking stick to point to the words, so we all
know what we are singing?
Dame
B: Okay good idea.
Dame
C: And watch where you're putting that thing!
(Dame
B looks at the audience with a big grin grin as if to say "shall I?
")
(Dame
C bends over to tidy some rubbish into a basket. Dame B pokes her up the
bum with the stick).
Dame
C: Ooh! What was that?! I felt a little prick.
Dame
B: (Aside to the audience)
Dame
B: The first in a long time, I assure you.
(Dame
C bends down again to do more tidying).
Dame
B: Pokes her again Dame C, holding her
bottom)
Dame
C: There it was again! An even bigger prick!
Dame
B: I think it's time we got on with some singing. Ready? The
words go with the tune of the 12 days of Christmas. After three
then. One, two, three.
(They
sing the song).
On
the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a
pair
of Siamese twins
On
the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, on willies
On
the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me 3 thermal vests
On
the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 4 Lion bars
On
the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 5 onion rings
On
the sixth day of Christmas my True love gave to me, 6 physios phys-ing
On
the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 7 volunteers
On
the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 8 MPs lying
On
the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 9 fondant fancies
On
the 10th day of Christmas my true love gave to me 10 carers caring
On
the 11th day of Christmas my true love gave to me 11 maids a-Twerking
On
the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me 12 Santas Santing
Dame
C: Well done everybody! Especially this side of the room – MY Half. You were
definitely louder.
Dame
B: Bullocks! MY Half were clearly the stronger singers. I would give them all a
chair if I could.
Dame
C: Well, there's only one way to find out ...
(In
unison, to the audience)
Both: Sing
off!
Dame
C: Here's how it's going to work. We'll all start off singing the first
day of Christmas together, then my half of the room will sing the second and
third day
Dame
B: Then my half will take over and sing the
fourth
day of Christmas.
And
we'll all come together for the fifth day, with 5 onion rings.
Dame
C: Back to my half of the room for days 6 and 7.
Dame
B: Swap back to my half for days 8 and 9.
Dame
C: Days 10 and 11 will be taken by my half.
Dame
B: Then we'll all come together and finish off with the 12th day of Christmas.
Okay? Ready? One, two, three.
(They
all sing the song, this time as the sisters have described).
Dame
C: Fantastic! Give yourselves a big clap. Now for a judges conference, I
think.
(They
go into a huddle for a moment)
Dame
B: We'd like to announce that the sing off was officially
(In
unison)
Both:
A draw!
Dame
C: Now we'd like each half of the room to send up a volunteer to claim a
special prize. And the special prize is ...
Dame
B: A Christmas kiss with none other, than our lovely leader of the physio
team, Judith!
Dame
C: Perhaps we should show them the prize. What do you think?
Dame
B: Judith sweetheart, would you like to come up and join us please?
(Pause,
while Judith joins them)
Dame
C: Now come along, don't be shy. Put your hand up if you would like to
volunteer.
(They
choose 2 male volunteers from the audience).
(To
the first volunteer)
Dame
C: Now, what's your name, Sir?
Volunteer
1: XXXX
Dame
C: Hello XXXX. Are you ready to claim your prize, and give Judith a
big Christmas kiss?
Dame
B: You're well in there, mate. Cos from what I hear, she's absolutely gagging
for it!
Dame
C: How dare you talk about our Judith like that! Show some
respect! Any more sexual harassment min the workplace from you and
it will be the naughty chair for you!
(Turns
to second volunteer)
Dame
C: and what's your name, sir?
Volunteer
2: XXXX
Dame
C: Hello XXXX. Are you ready for your prize?
Dame
B: pucker up then. Absolutely no tongues!
Dame
C: That's it! I've had enough! Naughty step. Now!
(Dame
B mumbles to self as she goes, "it's not fair that you get to boss me
around, just because you're older". She hangs her head and goes and
sits on a chair in the corner).
Dame
C: let’s here a big clap for Judith and our volunteers. (To the volunteers:)
you can go and sit down now. (Looks at watch) Gosh! Is that the
time?
Bang!
The
interval must be nearly over
(Louder)
Bang!
We'd
best be off We'll miss our next entrance.
(Even
louder)
Bang!
Dame
B: What are you banging on about now?
Dame
C: Come on! We'd better shift ourselves. Time to go!
Dame
B: Alright, alright. Keep your hair on. I'm coming.
Dame
C: Well I must say, i've really enjoyed your Christmas party. Thanks so much
for having us.
Dame
B: You forgot to wish them Merry Christmas.
Dame
C: How could I forget? A very Merry Christmas to you all.
Dame
B: And a happy new year
(They
exit, piggybacking).
Henrietta
Whitsun-Jones
